I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
