At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
