I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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