After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
