I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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