Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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