Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
