I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
