My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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