she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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