highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
