I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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