checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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