Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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