just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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