Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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