We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
