this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
