I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
