you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
