I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
