It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
