Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
