evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
