I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize