i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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