I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
