Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
