Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
