This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Sober January is a disaster.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
