Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
