I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
