I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize