I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
