Tell her she can't have a vagina
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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