I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
