Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
