maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
