I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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