I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
