I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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