I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
