I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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