His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
