remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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