I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
