I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
