Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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