Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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