I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have aggressive nipples.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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