I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
