his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize