Your face is a jimmy john
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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