I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
