So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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