Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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