You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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