So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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