Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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