god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
