Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
