his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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