i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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