Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize