"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
