She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize