even my farts smell like vagina
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
