You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You're like the curious george of whores
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
