You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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